Thursday, May 31, 2012


           “You won’t believe it, but I just took the mother lode of all dumps.  It was amazing.”
           The girls and I just stared at the youngest male child wondering what possessed him to share such disgusting knowledge.  We didn’t invite it and the girls for one didn’t want it, especially since we were sitting down to dinner.  We tried to ignore him, but when Zac starts talking about his bowel movements it’s hard to get him to quit.  It’s like they are his crowning achievements.  When people ask what our kids are doing nowadays we say, “Oh, and Zac, well, he’s blowing up the bathroom and might soon be in the Guinness Book of World Records for massive shits.”  We beam proud while the other couple then tells us of their brain surgeon child.  “That’s nice, but is he in any record books?”

Monday, May 21, 2012

5 Don’ts to a Happy Marriage

     This is the month.  As a matter of fact, it’s less than a week away; that fateful day where the first of the children will be leaving the nest and getting married.  Okay, he’s already left the nest, three times, actually.  However, this time it’s a home that he’s moved into and with his bride-to-be he’s decorating and putting it all together.  We stopped by the other day so they could show it off and they have created a beautiful nest that doesn’t look anything like a dorm room decorated with Star Wars posters and empty pizza boxes.  Thank you, Christina.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Reunions: Regurgitated Roles

“I just received the invite for my ten year reunion. I’m so excited!” Sarah sat on the back porch, giggles oozing from her pores. I sat there completely baffled. Most of my wardrobe is over ten years old. I didn’t get the excitement level.

“Ten years? Isn’t that like saying, ‘Hey, Mom, I’m home for the weekend. Can you do my laundry?” I pictured most of them still borrowing the family car. “Are they even out of college yet?”

“College usually takes four years and I’m sure most do their own laundry.”

“Our kids have been doing their laundry for years,” Char chimed in.

“That explains my water bill.” The girls do our laundry twice a week. Add to that four kids who change outfits every four hours, each doing their own laundry, and I’ll be replacing our washer and dryer every six months. People complain about having an empty nest. Not me. I’m looking forward to my appliances surviving past their warranties.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

I Don't Judge You.....Okay, I Do

I can't help it. I am a judger of people, especially stupid people, and there are a lot of them to judge. I also judge appearances. I understand the whole concept of freedom of expression through clothing and body art, I really do. However, if you have the right to think I'm a conservative mainstream idiot, I can think you dress like a sideshow looking for a circus. Still, that’s your God-given American-protected right, so knock yourself out.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Game I Won’t Play

It’s a very old game, older than Hide-and-Seek or Peek-A-Boo. It’s not a board game or a card game even though it is played indoors for the most part. Yet, even inside it’s one of the most violent games known to man and makes World of Warcraft look like a sissy’s game. Still, physical blood is rarely ever shed. Now, emotional and mental wounds are too painful and numerous to count. It’s a brutal game full of intrigue, back stabbing, lies and betrayal. Friends don’t matter. Family doesn’t matter. When the game begins it sucks almost anyone in. However, it’s also a game I refuse to play.