This is the month. As a matter of fact, it’s less than a week
away; that fateful day where the first of the children will be leaving the nest
and getting married. Okay, he’s already
left the nest, three times, actually.
However, this time it’s a home that he’s moved into and with his bride-to-be
he’s decorating and putting it all together.
We stopped by the other day so they could show it off and they have created
a beautiful nest that doesn’t look anything like a dorm room decorated with
Star Wars posters and empty pizza boxes.
Thank you, Christina.
In just a few days, they will be husband
and wife, and I’m happy for them. I feel
confident that the two of them will succeed and live a long and prosperous life
together. It’s a family tradition, after
all. Char and I have been together for
twenty-four years, my parents forty-seven and my aunt and uncle longer than
that.
However, even though I believe Nathan
and Christina have what it takes to make their relationship work, what kind of
father would I be if I didn’t butt my nose in and offer unwanted advice? So, I’ve come up with five do’s and five
don’ts to help new couples survive the gloomy statistics. I’ll start with the don’ts and next time
share the flip side. Perhaps I’ll even
post it on Nathan’s Facebook wall so that he can’t avoid it. I’m sneaky like that.
Don’t try to have everything Your
Parents had
Nathan and Christina are just starting
out and while their wedding registry is listed everywhere and they’re going to
receive some awesome gifts, they won’t receive everything they want or
need. Knowing how these things work,
they are probably going to get four toasters and three hand mixers and not that
lamp they want. They’ll get tons of wash
cloths to scrub their bodies with, but no towels to get the water off. When it’s all said and done they’ll step back
and look at what their parents have and they’ll say, “We need that.” Of course, I’ll have to say, “Nathan, put my
Star Wars books back,” and he’ll sulk for awhile. Still, he’ll survive.
The fact is that most of us will survive
without what we think we “need.” It’s a
sad commentary on our times that wants have become needs, but too many people
believe a flat screen television with an X-Box is a basic need nowadays. The urge for most young couples is to have
everything in their home that their parents have, all the gadgets, nice
furniture, and Disney coffee mugs.
However, what many tend to forget is how long it took their parents to
accumulate that mass of useless gizmos.
People don’t get married and suddenly
have everything they need and want. It
takes years of hard work, doing without and pinching pennies. By trying to have it all in the beginning you
will only cause debt and stress and new couples do not need either. They’ll be stressed out enough once they see
what each other looks like first thing in the morning.
Spend your money and time on each other
and not on what you think you desperately need and you’ll discover that what
you can’t do without is your spouse.
Don’t Always be Practical
Being practical is also being
responsible, but sometimes it’s best to not be the former. Diligent practicality can be boring. Life needs spontaneity and a path without
risks will not stretch you. Sometimes
life can press in on you with overwhelming intensity and you feel like you’re
going to explode like a zit on a teenager’s face. It’s at that moment that you need to do
something unexpected before you’re wiping your sanity off of the pristine
walls.
Life is about taking chances. Don’t be afraid to swim against the stream of
popular opinion telling you how you should live your life. Dare to not only dream, but to go after that
dream. There will always be bills to pay
and laundry to do, but there won’t always be this moment right now. Grab it and squeeze every minute out of it
you can. The dishes can wait until
morning once in awhile so that you can enjoy that spontaneous burst of energy
and imagination.
Don’t Over Schedule Yourself
Everyone will want a piece of you and
you’ll want to accommodate them so that no one gets their feelings hurt. Add to that work, church, maintaining a home
and soon you’ll find yourself too drained to invest time in each other, and
that’s why you got married in the first place.
You saw something in your spouse that made you say, “I want to spend
time with this person above everyone else.”
Yet, the two of you are never alone long enough to explore those gifts
you both received at your bachelor and bachelorette parties.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s important that you socialize and visit
family and going to work is the one practical habit that you should keep,
because while your parents want you to visit, they don’t want you moving back
in. We’ve worked real hard getting you
to the point of moving out. Besides, I
like my office.
No, while you need to do stuff with
family and friends, you must also allow time for yourselves. You will never get to know each other if you
are always surrounded by other people or constantly busy with events and
gatherings. Even after so much time,
this is one area the girls and I struggle with on a regular basis. We love to be social and will flood our Day
Planners with cookouts, dancing, and parties without taking time to catch our
breaths. We have to check ourselves
constantly before we wear out. However,
it’s usually too late.
Don’t be afraid to say, “No,” to some
invitations and don’t feel guilty no matter how hard people may try to
manipulate you. As long as you’re
balancing everyone, then they should support you staying home and investing in
your relationship. If they do not
understand, then perhaps those are the people who deserve less of your
time. Value that moment alone and always
protect it even if you have to block off hours or dates on the calendar. You’ll be glad you did.
Don’t Build Separate Lives
I’ve never understood this. Why get married to someone if you’re never
going to do things with them? I’ve known
couples who have taken separate vacations, have separate friends and even
separate hangouts and bedrooms. They’ve
dwelt together for years, but they have never lived together. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t say, “I
do,” just for a roommate to split the bills with. I want a spouse that I can build a life with.
I can understand an occasional girl’s
night out or a guy’s pickup game - basketball, not dates - but I don’t get it
being a habitual thing. Our desire is to
share experiences together, to see that expression on the other’s face when
they try crawfish for the first time; to see the fear in their eyes as the ship
tilts out in the Atlantic, or hear them scream, “Get me out of this graveyard!” I want to see the girls dance and they need
to help me into the car afterward.
Memories are far more special when experienced together and not just
heard. I want us to grow old and
nostalgic together, not separately.
While each may have their own hobby,
they should show some interest in what brings delight to the other. While I may not enjoy scrapbooking or
painting, I can take pleasure in the joy it brings them and share in the
products. Couples who do not partake in
each other’s pastimes or delights will never go deeper than the surface of the
relationship. Separate lives mean
shallow lives, at least as far as the marriage is concerned and there’s so much
more to be had in the deeper waters. I
don’t wish to do things alone nor do I want to recite how my trip went when I
return. I want them there, every step of
the way, telling me I took the wrong turn.
Don’t Go to Bed Angry
An oldie, but a goodie, I know, but it
can’t be repeated enough. Arguments
happen, feelings get hurt and someone gets bent out of shape. Expect it.
Any couple that tells you they’ve never had an argument is either lying
or they live in separate time zones without cell phones. It’s not whether you’ve had a fight or not
that makes you a strong couple; it’s how you survive the fight that strengthens
you.
You never want to start a day mad at
each other and the best way to avoid that is to not go to bed angry. You won’t be able to sleep anyway, so you
might as well hash it all out. Oh, you
may think you’ll be able to sleep, but you won’t. You’ll lay there, body tense with emotion,
screaming at your spouse in your mind as you let them know what an idiot they’ve
been. Of course, I would caution against
allowing what rattles inside your steaming mind from finding its way out of
your mouth, because then another argument will ensue and you’re back at square
one.
This also keeps arguments from lasting
days or weeks and no one is stuck sleeping on the couch or running home to
mother. Trust me; Mom likes visits, not
roommates. She tried hard to get you out
and is enjoying her freedom.
Before your emotions stir up more
trouble than it’s worth, take a break.
Go for walk, take a shower, or watch an episode of Friends, anything to
help you calm down and then come back and together reach a compromise. You’ll both sleep much better.
There are other don’ts, of course, like
don’t clip your toenails in bed and don’t suggest a former lover’s name for
your first child, but these are enough to start with. Besides, it’s what the girls said I should
put down and it’s too close to bedtime to argue with them.
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