“You won’t believe it, but I just took
the mother lode of all dumps. It was
amazing.”
The girls and I just stared at the
youngest male child wondering what possessed him to share such disgusting
knowledge. We didn’t invite it and the
girls for one didn’t want it, especially since we were sitting down to dinner. We tried to ignore him, but when Zac starts
talking about his bowel movements it’s hard to get him to quit. It’s like they are his crowning achievements. When people ask what our kids are doing nowadays
we say, “Oh, and Zac, well, he’s blowing up the bathroom and might soon be in
the Guinness Book of World Records for massive shits.” We beam proud while the other couple then
tells us of their brain surgeon child. “That’s
nice, but is he in any record books?”
It is the time in which we live. With information so readily available - good
and bad - people tend to throw anything and everything out there, whether it’s
worth knowing or not. At any given time
you can check Facebook, Twitter or MySpace - yes, MySpace still exists, believe
it or not - and you can see what people have fixed for dinner or their cat’s
latest hairball. We know more about our
friends and family than we ever wanted to know.
I’m pointing fingers at myself as I
write this, so don’t think I’m accusing the world while thinking I’m so far
above everyone else. While they’re
posting about being on their couch, I’m announcing to the world that I’m
perched on the back porch with a cigar and scotch writing about them. Sometimes, I’ll even show a picture of
both. Why? Because inquiring minds want to know.
Actually, we don’t. It’s true.
While I want you to care about my three course meal, I’m not interested
in your enchiladas. I threatened once
when everyone was showing us plates of their meals before consumption that I
was going to show them my meal after expulsion.
The girls stopped me, of course. Zac
can brag about his bowel movements, but I’m supposed to fake maturity.
In some ways, however, it’s a good
thing. We have family in Alabama,
Mississippi, Virginia, Oregon and South Florida that we don’t get to see nearly
as much as we want to. With our handy
dandy Facebook, events such as birthdays, graduations and that first time on
the potty going wee-wee are shared with everyone and no one misses out. Furthermore, it saves us the cost of getting
the pictures printed. We just post them
on Facebook and people can copy and save the photos that they really want and
print them out themselves.
I’m all for the sharing of information
and I do want to know what’s going on in the lives of those I care about. I want to celebrate their joyous events as
well as mourn the loss of a loved pet. I
want to know when they’re on vacation so that I can sneak into their home and
watch their flat screen television and drink their booze. It’s cheaper than going out.
That’s the other downfall to sharing
every minute of your daily life with the cyber universe; the wrong people will
know where you’re at every minute of the day as well as where you’re not. It makes it easy to become a victim of the
evil element. Those who would like to
make use of your possessions know when it’s safe to break in. The stalker elements know where to find you
and when it would be best to take stalking to the next level. Too much information can lead to disastrous
results.
Before clicking “Post,” think about
what’s going out over the web to be permanently etched into cyber space. Once it’s out, it can’t be retracted or lived
down. It’s forever going to be a source
of joy or shame. Furthermore, keep in
mind that while you may be proud of your bathroom experience, the rest of us
aren’t impressed, just nauseous.
* * * * *
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