The Man Hug Maneuver

Women hug each other.  They also go to the bathroom together, probably to talk about us, but above all, women are huggers.  Happy.  Sad.  Coming or going.  It doesn’t matter.  They hug.  Sometimes, they even give kisses on the cheek in conjunction with their hugs, but a hug is almost always guaranteed.

Men shake hands.  True there are a few huggers out there, but those male embracers are quickly ratted out to other men who want no part of masculine arms wrapped around them for a tight squeeze.  No, we are quite happy shaking hands with a firm grip and two quick, short pumps.  To be honest, that’s about all most men can handle.

In an age when men are supposed to be getting in touch with their feelings, other men are telling them to man up, which is male lingo for “Don’t touch me.”  They don’t mind hugging their female friends, of course.  Oh no, we’ll go out of our way for that.  After all, females are soft and cuddly and just beg to be hugged.  Of course, it makes men feel good to hug a woman.  It makes us feel awkward hugging another man, mainly because we don’t know how to do it without giving the same type of hug we give our lady friends.  There are some parts of my male friends I don’t want brushing up against me.  This has nothing to do with homophobia, so please don’t even start that war chant.  Men are just not as much fun to hug as women, at least to other men.

Over the years men have used the shoulder punch as their type of hug.  When emotions hit and that urge to embrace strikes, they ball up their fist and punch their male friends in the shoulder or upper arm.  This has always helped males avoid being trapped in an embrace we didn’t really want in the first place.  Equivalent to this is the pat on the back, which is really more of a slap.  Men aren’t supposed to be gentle, after all.

However, as men are urged to get in touch with their feelings, the punch and slap are no longer viable alternatives.  Society has deemed it necessary for us to hug and men everywhere are succumbing to outside pressure much to my dismay.  Yet, as with most things we have found a plausible solution, at least for now.

It starts with a handshake.  The grip is firm and the arms are locked.  This is important because the arms serve as your wall of protection.  Men then use the other arm for the hug while never releasing the handshake. Next we bump shoulders, pat the back, and then release.  The appearance of a hug has been given to all watching and both men are seen as contemporary and mushy and are now free of reprimand.

Of course, all of this is null and void in the locker room before or after a workout  In these cases when that burst of care comes over you just remember that a snap with a wet towel says, “I love you, man,” as much as a hug.  Everyone will laugh and tease as you’re hopping around holding the fresh welt, but that’s just their way of returning the endearment.

It’s a new age where men are forced to show emotion.  Yet, that doesn’t mean it has to be expressed the way our female counterparts express it.  After all, it’s the emotion that matters, not the action.  So feel free to hug me anytime, just remember the barrier rule.  I promise, no one will know it’s not a real hug.

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