Man vs Cat: Feline Interrogation, a Guest Post by David M. Brown

The Mess has been participating in the Raining Cats & Dogs Tour and today we are lucky enough to have my friend, David Brown with us.  I'm sure you're going to enjoy his Feline Interrogation and cat lovers around the world can relate to his Missing Objects.  Thanks, David for allowing The Mess to participate.

Guest Post: Feline Interrogation  

I’ve been in this room with no windows for at least 48 hours. I’m not alone. In the corner is a rotund ginger cat, standing on its back legs, its front legs folded, its expression a combination of malevolence and arrogance. He studies me carefully, practicing that “I’m very annoyed” look that only a cat can pull off.

The door suddenly opens and in walks a feline detective. He dismisses his colleague, sending him to cateteria for a bowl of milk and a cold fish supper. Mention of food makes my stomach rumble, even cat food, that’s how desperate my situation is. The detective is named Catalumbo and informs me he’s filling in for his colleague – Furrlock Holmes. I managed to stifle a snigger at these names but it still looks like I’m having an involuntary spasm. Catalumbo fixes me with his best, “Silence is recommended at this juncture” stare before opening a pink file he has on the desk.

Inside the file is a series of statements, photographs and even a toy on the end of a string.

‘You understand why you’re here?’ Catalumbo asks me.

‘I think so,’ I respond. ‘Is it about the book?’

‘Indeed.’ Catalumbo produces a copy of Man vs Cat which is in a sealed evidence bag and has bite marks, scratches, burns, puncture wounds, Tipp ex stains, water damage and even evidence of an encounter with an antelope. ‘This is the book in question. The one that is going to put you away for a very long time. I also have here six detailed statements from witnesses.’

‘Six statements? Is it my cats?’

‘Yes, is that a problem?’

‘Well, kind of. I was just wondering if there might be a slight hint of bias here.’

‘I don’t think so,’ Catalumbo said. ‘I have these statements from Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo which confirm you are the author of this book and that it is full of propaganda, lies and reference to a secret group known as Cat Club.’

‘Can I see the statements?’ I ask.

‘Certainly.’ The detective hands them to me. I don’t even need to read them in full.

‘This is ridiculous. Buggles’ statement is written in crayons and there are more pictures of Kevin Spacey sitting on butterflies while being serenaded by Jimi Hendrix than there are words.’

‘That’s still a sworn statement.’

‘What about Charlie’s then? It has words, lots of them, including “kill,” “maim,” “slaughter,” “torture,” “vengeance,” “revenge,” and that’s just the introduction. Is that not evidence of murderous intent?’

‘It wouldn’t wash in a kitty court, Mr Brown.’

‘What am I being charged with exactly, Detective?’

‘You are being charged on several counts Mr Brown. Firstly, lying about cats is an offence which carries a seven year jail term. Given that you have a book full of lies you’re looking at a lengthy sentence. Other offences include stealing seats from cats, not feeding them on time, not keeping the litter trays clean enough, having an unconvincing beard, waking in a silly way, breathing at the wrong times and smashing up Twilight DVDs.’ Catalumbo paused. ‘Actually, that last one is justifiable kitticide and Buggles put forward that complaint so I’ll let you off on that one. Collectively, I’m estimating a sentence of 13,567,294 years before you’re eligible for catarole. Alternatively, you can read all the Twilight books and watch the movies back to back, but without twitching, sighing, yawning or complaining in any way. Those are the conditions.’  

‘That’s ridiculous,’ I said.

‘If you can’t do the kittitime don’t do the kitticrime Mr Brown,’ Catalumbo replied, excusing himself from the table. ‘

‘Any chance of a plea bargain?’

‘We call them flea bargains here, Mr Brown. I can certainly ask but they can be an itchy business.’

Catalumbo laughed at his awful joke. For some reason I followed up with one of my own.

‘Could this be a case of I scratch your back, you scratch mine then?’ I asked.

Catalumbo was in hysterics and dropped his file on the floor. I hung my head in shame for stooping so low in search of humour.

‘That was funny, Mr Brown,’ Catalumbo said. ‘I haven’t laughed that hard since I nailed the cat flap shut at home and stopped my wife getting in. It wasn’t so funny when I realised I nailed trapped her in the house rather than outside.’

‘Does this mean I can go?’ I asked, hopefully.

‘Dream on.’ Catalumbo was serious again. He walked away from me and towards the door but just before leaving he did the inevitable and turned around. ‘Just one more question.’

‘What is it?’

‘Nothing. I just wanted to do the Columbo impression. Couldn’t resist.’

‘Hilarious. Perhaps this exchange will go in Man vs Cat 2.’

‘If it does you should call the next book Man 0 Cat 1. Have a nice evening, Mr Brown.’

I watched Catalumbo leave before slumping back in my chair and contemplating the absurdity of this latest series of charges brought by my six cats. Last month it was a conspiracy to destroy the world’s supplies of cat food and before that a covert operation to assassinate Garfield. If I did make it out of this little scrape I promised myself the next book would annoy the cats even more.

Excerpt

Missing Objects (Mr B) – Number of cats = 6

Being the owner of six cats, you’re going to encounter some ignorance of discipline and the odd moment of calamity, and our house is no exception. Scratching furniture, trying to pilfer our meals, playing with our pens (they’re not toys) and being off-target when using the litter tray are just some of the things that Mrs B and I have to contend with. However, perhaps the worst form of bad behaviour comes in the form of missing objects.

You know that mystery about the Bermuda Triangle? That area where all those planes and ships go missing, prompting the theorists to suggest aliens, alternative universes and the uncompromising waters of the Sargasso Sea? Well, I’d like to suggest that cats may have something to do with it. Now, I’m not accusing our six cats of being responsible for the Triangle, but, given what they are capable of in this house, it wouldn’t surprise me. The Mary Celeste was probably their doing as well! Maybe even Glenn Miller, too.

Picture the scene: a small table set between two chairs in our living room where we rest our cups of tea or wine, and also pile on various objects such as keys, books, pens, disks and even an MP3 player (more about that mistake later). When Mrs B and I are around, you can guarantee that all objects will be accounted for, but if we leave the room for any amount of time something will go missing. Only today I found a print cartridge had moved from its place on top of the printer to the other side of the living room!

Mrs B’s hair bands are very popular with the cats, but at least we find those in the end. The worst crime ever committed by these cats concerns the MP3 players. I kid you not; I have lost not one but two of the damn things to these felines. They must be somewhere in the house, unless the kitties are sneaking out and selling them on the black market (or perhaps they use eBay), but that digression aside, I have so far been unsuccessful in unearthing them.

It’s quite possible that the cats are hoarding the missing items in some secret, subterranean chamber, and building a time machine or something, but where their operation is taking place, I guess I’ll never know.

Recently, Mrs B and I started to de-clutter the house, selling our DVDs and stuff to free up space, so, hopefully, in the near future the cats will have fewer pilfer targets. On the other hand, one of these days Mrs B and I may wake to find all our keys have been confiscated and then there will be no escape from this house, which is very much the cats’ pad. All I can do is pray for their mercy. Let us hope this isn’t the last time I write about them!

Mr B: I have since recovered the missing MP3 players and, given the large supply, Mrs B and I decided to open our own shop, devoted to selling items previously unaccounted for because of the cats. Business is going well and cat owners have been reunited with everything from nail files to yachts.

About the author

David Brown could be considered a fantasy fanatic, especially since he has spent the last 10 years developing a 47,000-year history for his fictional world of Elenchera. When converting his obsession into literary form, David commits himself to a rigorous writing and editing process before his work can meet his approval. Combined with the critical eye of his wife and a BA Hons in History and English, David's dedication leads him to his goal of inspiring readers through heartfelt stories and characters.

Twitter: @elenchera

Facebook: davidmbrownauthor

Website: http://elenchera.com

Blog: http://tweedling.com

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