Zombies Live At My House

On my bookshelves I have several books on monsters.  Not the kind that fill our newsreels and prisons for their atrocities against mankind.  No, these are the creatures that scare the heebie jeebies out of us from movie screens and novels, the ones that keep us up at night with the covers pressed right up to our noses as our eyes peer out at every shadow that floats into our peripheral vision.  It’s these monsters that cause us to sleep with the lights on and chairs barring the doors as we jump at every sound.  Their creators have made them real and, trembling, we believe they are ready to snatch us away from the safety of our homes.

It seems to me that two of these creatures of mayhem, vampires and zombies, have controlled the spotlight for some time now.  It’s funny to me that they share the popularity, because they truly are at different ends of the scare spectrum.  They are nothing alike and I would be curious to see what would happen if they were to ever face each other in a battle.  I mean, zombies don’t have blood to suck, do they?  Yet, vampires are faster, so would have the upper hand in that way.  It would be an interesting match, to be sure.

Vampires are usually seen as gorgeous creatures with great charisma.  They can seduce their victims and are usually seen as quite smart and charming.  Even Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, fell in love with two of them and it was her duty to kill them.  They are very romantic individuals and if it wasn’t for that whole blood sucking habit of theirs, they’d be invited to more parties.  Still, even with that addiction, they are invited before cigarette smokers.

Zombies, on the other hand, are not so pretty.  There is absolutely nothing romantic and tantalizing about them.  Actually, it’s very much the opposite.  While vampires are statuesque beings with alabaster skin, zombies are rotting corpses who have been brought back to life with the munchies for human flesh.  Vampires can sometimes fly or turn into bats, have telekinetic powers and super strength.  Zombies just trudge around looking for food.  Vampires are killed with a stake and zombies by having their heads chopped off.  Yet, both seem to be equally popular.

However, the biggest difference between the two of them is that vampires are fictional characters and zombies are not.  I know this because my house is full of them.  I see them every morning, sludging and grunting their way around the house and it causes me to tremble under my blankets.  I’m not sure where they come from, they’re not here when I turn in at night, but they are here in the morning.  It doesn’t matter how well I lock the doors, either.  They still manage to get in.

Some of the things I’ve noticed over the years from my observations is that zombies hate alarm clocks.  The minute the call to arise sounds, a grunt is made as a sluggish arm thrashes about until it knocks the offensive clock into silence.

Now, before any of my writer friends call foul, I know the rule.  Body parts do not commit acts; people commit them with their body parts.  However, zombies are the exception to the rule.  I watched as the arm automatically, flopped around in an attempt to knock the musical call off the night stand and into oblivion.  It was obvious that the arm was doing it of its own volition, because the head had not moved or an eye open.  It had to have been a conditioned response.

Eventually, the zombie will rise from the bed and, with a lumbering gait, make its way to the kitchen.  It is usually groaning at this point, a warning to the more human residents of the household to go into hiding until it has devoured its morning sustenance.  Not human flesh, mind you.  No, the zombies in my house consume coffee, hot tea, or Diet Coke, and it is usually safer to remain hidden until they have had at least one full cup of their choice.

They say that if a zombie bites a human that person transforms into a zombie, as well.  I believe the 8-year old has been bitten without my knowing, because every morning she has become more and more like the other zombies in the house until she has had her bowl of Captain Crunch.  It’s truly frightening to watch.

I’ve tried interacting with them, but to no avail.  It’s hard to interpret grunts and groans unless they’re coming from the bedroom.  Lately, I have taken to sipping my coffee and hiding behind the computer screen, logging in the previous day’s stats.

Zombies are scary to a morning person such as myself.  And dangerous.  You never know when something you say in innocence will cause them to turn and bite you.  It’s smarter to just remain quiet and hide.  As the morning progresses, the zombies shape shift into normal, functioning people, a fact that is left out of the research I’ve seen.  However, I’m not fooled.  I know that once they fall asleep, their humanity will be replaced with the living dead.  I’m safe until morning, though.  Unless, of course, they take a nap.  Then it’s time to hit the coffee shop for an hour or two.

You may think I’m being crazy, like those people who chase UFO sightings and believe Lindsay Lohan is an alien, but you haven’t seen them; I have.  They’re real.  Very real.  And scary.  I just hope I can avoid being bitten.  I should be fine as long as their morning caffeine holds out.  However, if one day you don’t hear from me until noon, you’ll know what happened.  If that occurs, don’t send for the police or Ghost Busters.  They won’t be able to save me.  Just send plenty of 8 O’clock Bean.  No sugar.  No cream.  Just hot, black, strong coffee.

Oh, and stand back until it hits my system.  You don’t want to be bitten.

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