Friday, August 2, 2013

According to Research

Breasts can get you into trouble
Oh Oh
I’ll be the first to tell you that research is important.  I’m not referring to writing research, although that is extremely important as well.  It wouldn’t do me any good to talk about the Civil War if I put it before the Revolutionary war.  However, that’s not the type of research I’m referring to.  We need to research into the diseases like cancer, Parkinson’s disease, and whatever disease politicians develop once elected that turns them into deceitful jackasses.  We needed studies into children’s behavior, health habits, and the affect game controllers will have on thumb usage.  However, how some research even comes into the existence boggles my mind.

For example, take this one study a friend sent me the other day.  The site was the Daily Record, but it was referring to a German study that had been published in the New England Journal of Medicine.  I’m not well-informed as to how these studies were published, but I did wonder why a German study was published in a New England publication and not a German one.  Then I read the report and I knew why he didn’t publish it at home.  He didn’t want his wife to read it!

Apparently, this study concludes that if one ogles a busty woman for just a few minutes every day it beats having to haul your backside to the gym. According to author Dr. Karen Weatherby - and I find it a sign of the times that I’m quoting a female on this - “Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out.”  Now, if a man had said this, I would have assumed that the study came about because his wife found his stash of Maxim Magazine.  I can just hear him now.  “But honey, its research.  I promise!”  And then the next day he looks at his friend Olaf and announces the new study they’ll be doing.  However, since the expert on ageing is a woman, we tend to give it a little more credibility.  Of course, as I said above, in today’s age, I’m sure this study applies to just more than men.

This study took five years.  Think about that, men.  For five years, other men kissed their wives goodbye in the morning, went to work and stared at boobs.  Now, I’m not sure if they were paid for being a test subject or if it was all on a volunteer basis, but either way, I’m sure there was no shortage of men ready to do their part for science. 

According to the findings of this study on bosom gazing, the results are “lower blood pressure and slower resting pulse rates and it also decreased their risk of coronary artery disease.”  I think we can agree, all good things.  However, then there is a quote by Dr. Weatherby that makes me question the seriousness of this study.  She says, “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation.”  We knew that!  A five year study was not required to prove this.  Anyone who has had sex once knows your heart is pumping and your blood is circulating.  My guess for this finding is that the guinea pigs were virgins and unaware of what was happening to them. 

“There’s no question - gazing at large breasts makes men healthier.”  She even recommends size D-cup or larger for men over forty.  What about smaller breasts?  What does looking at them do?  Were smaller breasts left out of the study?  If so, that’s a slanted study group and I volunteer for a do-over.

Of course, I can see a study such as this having drastic side effects.  While gazing upon breasts may make men healthier, it may also find them divorced or suffering an early demise.  While I can see a few wives not caring about this part of their husbands daily workout regimen, many will not be pleased. Emergency rooms will be filled with men with black eyes and the police will be busy with domestic violence calls.

“What happened here?”

“His wife gouged his eyes out, sir.  Something about not measuring up.  However, on a positive note, doesn’t he look healthy?”

The fact that a woman led this study also makes me wonder if it’s a trap.  We’re being set up, men.  Don’t buy it.  Keep your eyes at home and don’t cancel that gym membership.  You may not be as healthy, but you’ll definitely live longer.

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